Grey dogs

For the dogs you see walked on collars, stopping to sniff and being yanked away. For the dogs you see in pain, desperately trying to keep up with their carer who is busy on their phone and not noticing their pleas of ‘slow down as I am struggling’. For the dogs you see in stressful situations, with their carer saying ‘they’re just dogs, let them sort it out’. For the dogs you see being admired for their ‘obedience’; sitting, walking to heal, constantly waiting for their next instruction. For the dogs with no choices, no voice, no understanding of their natural needs and who just put up with their lot. For the oh so many dogs on social media whose faces say it all, whilst their discomfort and anxiety is viewed as fun. This is for them, the ‘grey’ dogs.

The fundamental requirement when sharing a life with a dog is providing safety. But what does safety mean? The obvious answer is physical safety, yet emotional safety is paramount.

For many years I was stuck in an unhappy relationship, to the outside world all seemed perfectly normal, married couple, house, family, jobs etc. But it was devoid of a real connection; a true deep love, empathy and understanding, trust and support. There was no physical or verbal abuse, although there was a controlling element financially, and I was existing, rather than living.

Over the years I had a recurring dream. The dream would start with me entering a house, other people would be there that felt familiar, and all seemed normal. I would then go upstairs and find a door that no one else could see. I opened the door and entered a grey room that was completely empty, and with bare concrete walls and floors. Then the dream would end. This dream became so regular that as it started, I knew I would find the secret door to the grey, cold room, and the same dream sequence would occur.

Many years later, after leaving that relationship, I remarried a wonderful partner. Yes, we have had our ups and downs, that’s life, but we love each other, we take the time to understand each other when our views may differ, we provide comfort and support to one another, and take pleasure in simply being in each other’s company. It’s a shared relationship of love, trust and a comforting feeling of safety.

A few years into our relationship, I had that ‘grey’ dream again.

I entered a house; the familiar people were there and everything seemed normal. I went upstairs and there was the secret door no one else could see. I opened the door and this time everything was different. The room was full of bright colours, and soft comfy fabrics draped everywhere. It was vibrant, it was alive, it was comforting, and it was safe. I have never had that dream again.

There are some dogs in the UK whose daily lives are ‘grey’. They may have the luxuries of modern living; comfy beds, regular meals, trips out and lots of human attention, but on whose terms? and are their own needs being met?

Our dogs are not with us for our lifetime, but we can do our best to ensure their life with us is filled with colour. Allow them to be who they are and perform basic needs, give them the time to sniff, explore and fulfil their curiosity. To be sociable with dogs, people, and other animals they may bond with, to eat, rest and sleep with their family. To have species specific experiences they enjoy, rather than those we choose for them depending on the latest fad. Allow them to make decisions, to figure it out, to have choice and autonomy, to be able to opt out when they are feeling uncomfortable, and knowing when they do, we will support them. Be kind to yourself too, and when you get it wrong, as we all do, don’t beat yourself up, learn from it and continue to deepen your canine/human relationship and make it the best possible experience for you both.

All dogs are unique, learn from your dog, observe them, give them agency, and always advocate for them. Listen to what they are telling you, and respect their judgement, make them feel safe, as they have no one else to turn to.

Don’t let your dog be a ‘grey dog’.

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